Category Archives: Frustrations

Do Tough Ladies Wear Nail Polish?

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Was it that long ago that I finished Berklee? When was the last time I painted my nails? Who is hosting Saturday Night Live this week? Oh…. I missed the last 2?

All the little things that have been added to my life working in the film scoring world in LA have changed so many little things I used to take for granted. I don’t remember the last time I got my hair cut, and am still not sure that is going to happen in the near future.

As all of the realities of my new life in LA and working in film scoring crash around me. I have been forced to search for a new normal in a life yet unknown to me. I thought I knew what I was getting into… I spent all this money on a top education… What if I made a mistake?

Then I go to a giant scoring session… Continue reading →

Cold, Orange Fury

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I am above the law. 
I have to be. 

Apparently the City of Boston does not feel the same way. I have gotten more of these than I’d like to admit in the last couple months and, frankly, I’m not happy. The money these cost makes me mad, but what makes me more mad is the ghost-like hands that place them on my windshield. I have wild fantasies of running into a meter maid while she is trying to give me a ticket. I walk up to her and she instantly sees my character, and genuine ignorance of all parking laws, and instantly forgives all wrongs, gets on her knees, and presents me with a free to park anywhere I please sticker which never expires.  Continue reading →

Traffic

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Highway Traffic

Traffic does strange things to humans. This summer spent in Los Angeles has given me a new appreciation for the open road, space, and air conditioning in my car. 

Traffic in Southern California is not like the traffic in South Florida I am used to. People here seem to be resigned to their fate of sitting in their car at 3-6 mph at some point in their journeys.
One day, I had to make an early morning/rush hour errand for work, and I just resigned myself to sitting in my car, drinking a venti Pike’s Place coffee, and listening to NPR, and it was actually enjoyable… it was me time. (This has been a side benefit of all the driving/traffic this summer… I am well versed in our nation’s news and budget/financial problems)


Drivers in Miami Dade and Broward will do ‘the dip’ and fake a forceful entrance into merge lanes just to make a space for their car. People here seem to drive with a solemn resignation to their traffic fate.


Downtown Traffic

I can’t say that I’ve liked the traffic here, but when you accept it, then it’s not unbearable.


Sitting in traffic has given me a lot of time to think and pray this summer about Ryan’s and my future. There’s a possibility we shall return here for him to pursue the rest of his education, and for me to nudge my way into the industry. 


Our decision right now lies between Boston and Los Angeles, or somewhere God has yet to reveal. I have never felt such peace and calm on the crux of a huge life decision. We won’t know for a few months, and I’m strangely ok with that. All this ‘okness’ I’ve strangely developed has caused me to live much more in the moment. I’ve enjoyed this summer to the fullest and squeezed every last drop out of California. I am anxious to return to Boston, see the seasons at least one more time, and be with our dear friends. (I also miss my goldfish)


Traffic in front of a Film Premiere

What does this year hold?


Finishing strong my last year at my incredible school.


Enjoying our friendships.


Serving our church and the body of Christ. 


Soaking up Boston and New England and appreciating its richness.


Relishing the end of a thing.


I will miss you Los Angeles. Maybe I’ll be back.

The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
   and patience is better than pride. 

Ecclesiasties 7:8

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My brother Corey visited us recently, and on this trip Andrew Bird happened to be doing a workshop at Berklee. Since Corey looks so hipster, getting him in the door was no problem. I’ve always liked his music, but didn’t really know what to expect from him as a person. He played songs and then began to answer questions from the audience. 

This post isn’t really about Andrew Bird, it’s about the culmination of some thoughts of mine. Andrew said at one point that songwriting is always there like your old friend… and that we should never have an excuse to be bored. He marveled that his job was to be creative and daydream. 

I forget to marvel through all of my music schooling. I have projects to make and checklists to check off. I feel like an inferior musician, but forget to realize that’s because I’m going to one of the best music schools in the world. Of course there are way better players than me, I’m trying to learn how to write!

What I loved about Bird was that he also went to music school. He used what he learned and came out on the other side with his own agenda and his own specific skill set. 

I’m just frustrated sometimes as I try to navigate being creative, and becoming a professional musician, and learning all of these things at one time…

Mental Musings

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My thoughts on today and recent mental musings.

  • Breyers Reeses ice cream is too sweet and that’s saying something for me; miss sweet tooth.
  • It was way too hot today. I’m looking forward to having an ac in our window soon.
  • I so love the song How He Loves (by John Mark Mcmillan) and I am so glad they do it at our church now.
  • There was a spider on my arm on the subway today. I flicked it off onto another guys arm and I didn’t tell him :( I was too scared
  • I wish my phone would stop turning itself off.
  • I will be jumping for joy when Boston’s water is safe again so I can stop boiling all this freaking water!
  • I have so many finals this week and I’m nervous about some. I am praying and hoping I do well.
  • I can’t wait for my Florida trip in a week!

Worry

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Ok So I’ve written about this before, but as it seems to be a recurring theme in my life, here it goes…
Being a full time student again, and being married to one, has been an interesting financial transition to say the least. God continues to provide in very unique ways, and yet I still resist trusting Him fully. 
I remember living off of two full time incomes and buying those little things…. you know things that cost like 10 or 15 bucks. It was not big deal. Now I have to prioritize every little thing and wait a long time, with reluctant patience to purchase those random needed items that pile up on their never ending list. 
The word ‘need’ has definitely been redefined in my life, and why not? Why should I feel entitled when people not even that far away from me in other cultures are content to work and feed their families and might never own a car. And I should be grateful. Without intending to sound as someone solely focused on social justice, let me say that there are those that die every day from hunger and disease.
It is my pride that wants to save face and live the same lifestyle as I did before. I don’t want to admit I need something, or that I need help. I’m still richer than the majority of the world. I’m typing this on a nice computer, I have food in my house, I get to go to a great school…

I need a way to finally shake off the irrational worry and anxiety about tomorrow and the future. I only prove continually to myself that I do not trust the promises of God. He’s just waiting for me to give up on my petty human reason. 

Matthew 6:25-34
 25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
 28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
 31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
 34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Thoughts. Thoughts. Whoa Thoughts. Thoughtsy, Thoughtsy Thoughts Thoughts.

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1. I love old movies.
Almost done watching backwards all the films that have ever won best picture, and just started watching, with some Berklee friends, chronologically all the best original score winners.

2. I wish some of my school studies were more interesting.
Alas, I need to master them so I must press onward.

3. I entered an online modeling contest for regular people today, just for fun.
We’ll see if anyone votes for me.
click here to see

4. I just realized it’s pretty ridiculous that I’ve been keeping my toenails painted.
It’s Winter. And I live in Boston. I wear the same boots everyday.

5. I love that my husband cooks.
How great is that? I picked a good one.

6. I am so done with Boston and all its foreign germs wreaking havoc on my poor immune system
Sick again.

The Wolfpack

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Here are our new goldfish. We can’t have furry pets (also they’re too much work) so here’s our 3 fish.
We call them the Wolfpack in reference to the movie the Hangover. They have names of characters like Doug, Dr. F, and Fat Jesus.

On a side note, if you haven’t seen that movie, immediately go and rent it and watch it and love it.

In other Ryan and Jessica life thoughs:

It’s going to snow tomorrow which is pretty great.

Ryan and I are starting to form closer friendships from our church and school.

I am starting a night with some school friends where we will work our way through all the films that have won best original score so we can study the music.

Ryan Collman and Lauren Bayse (who are soon to be wed) visited us this week which was so awesome. It was great to show them around the city.

I am singing for the first time at our church next weekend which I’m excited about.

Orchestra practices are going very well so far as we work our way toward an April performance.

This semester is very thick and full of theory, thus I am struggling to muster up as much excitement as last semester. It is still needed though.

That’s all for now.

It’s Time For another Ponderings List

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1. I miss my sister Sara

2. I am excited to go back to school

3. I’m sad to leave my family

4. I love the keyboard I got for Christmas (now I can actually practice and compose)

5. I can’t believe my little brother is 19

6. Worry and anxiety about money is something I am still battling, but winning as of late

7. I hate Cancer

8. Cold is relative

9. Target is the Best Store

10. I love Craig Ferguson

11. I’m sad some people I know keep dumping horrible decisions on their lives

I never change…

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So my chronic problem of comparing myself to others has morphed into a different sort.

Dang it I thought i was rid of this embarrassing problem.

Now that I am a part of this music school filled with many talented people, I see what they are doing and feel, I don’t know if this is the right way to put it, but left out.
I see a lot of my new friends/acquaintances/classmates gigging a lot and getting involved in sweet ensembles and such. I need to keep reminding myself (also why I am writing this so I can continue to convince myself) that I am here with specific goals that are not going to manifest themselves immediately or even when I’m here.
Film scoring is something I think will take the rest of my life or until God tells me to do something else. I’m not here to become a recording artist.

I’m weirded out by the whole performance thing though. Playing in churches for so long is so different from ‘performing.’ I’m finding that I have a lot to work on in that area and thus am not going to be as prepared for it nor should I be, because again it’s not my goal. I’m referring to singing and guitar because I have been playing a lot of cello lately which has been really cool.
My wise peer adviser Karim gave me advice about comparing myself to the people at Berklee. I just need to let it drive me forward and not hold me back. It’s like this strange vice that holds me and has, in some form, always held me. And honestly it is good sometimes. I would be a slacker and mediocre otherwise.

Frustrations

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It’s all so much bigger than me. than us. His purpose has yet to be seen.

God is teaching me to be ok with anything. This moving out of our condo and our stuff to the movers has been a rough process on me.
But seriously? Why? Why have I been so hard to deal with and so irritable?
Most people would say, “Oh you know, it’s a tough time and it’s understandable that you’re so short and moody…”

No really.
That’s not a good excuse. If God is in this then why am I digging in my heels?
Emotions have run freely from me. I often mix them up with the sin which waits; slinking in the corners of my heart. I need to separate things, be more logical, and ultimately be more filled with His word and Spirit.
I know Ryan has had his fill of frustrations with me… He still loves me and for that I am so grateful.

Oh sweet glory fill these limbs and move them still.
Still my heart when it moves for naught.
Nothing captures my heart like you.
You breath life into notes of sweet complacency.