I came across this photo today and my heart now feels warm. This was from our recent 6th anniversary trip to NYC. He had spent a lot of time, with some setbacks, making sure that an FAO Schwarz trip fit into our schedule. I had wanted to go there since I was a kid. The look on his face, the fact that he’s chewing on a popsicle stick, and the giant animals captures my husband so perfectly.
He is still making my dreams come true… even little girl ones.
He pushed me to go back to school. He suggested terrifying leaps of faith that turned into amazing opportunities. I am now working in my chosen field and working toward an incredible career.
None of it would be if not for the man that makes sure I always get to go see giant pianos.
I received these pink tulips from Ryan for Valentines. I love them and they remind me of the hope for spring that all us New Englanders are holding on to. Even though Valentines is a ‘contrived Hallmark holiday’ I still love an excuse to hang out with my dear Ryan, dream about life, eat dark chocolate mousse, and be an example of a married couple who still keep the romance alive.
Every year that goes by, I more sure that we are a perfect fit. abrupt subject change A short list of thoughts and things I’m looking forward to:
1. Finding out whether Ryan gained entrance into the PHD program at BC 2. Hanging out with my lovely sister Sara in Boston this weekend 3. Better understanding how to use Digital Performer (because I’m really struggling now!) 4. Our upcoming 4 day trip to Washington D.C…. I cannot wait to explore a new city and go away on a much needed vacation 5. Urban Outfitters sells great pants 6. I’m frustrated in my quest to lose a few pounds, but I press on hoping my continued efforts will yield results!
Ryan and I are about to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. (aaaawww) We went to the cape this weekend on a little getaway thanks to Ryan’s Mom (thanks Mom!) There was much revelry, romance, movie watching, and beaches. Here’s a little slice of our trip…
In other news…
School at Berklee is good. I am studying music theory constantly.
I’m working a newish job at my school where I am a media content assistant. I am doing fun things as well as getting the chance to learn some new software like photoshop, dreamweaver, and final cut.
I’m trying to strike the balance between being a great musician as a writer and a player/singer. I have been focusing so much on writing and learning the fundamentals in my classes that I am trying to swing the pendulum back toward practicing more, and playing more excellent.
The hole in my heart where worship leading once sat has been growing increasingly large lately. I still feel it is a part of my calling, and the longer I am at Berklee, the more I realize how important worship is. Music for no purpose, or selfish purposes is so fleeting.
I am trying to use this summer to get my large rear back in shape, so we’ll see how that pans out.
The older I get the more I appreciate people just wanting to spend time with me on my birthday. Material stuff is just …. stuff. It does not matter. I love my family and friends and am looking forward to celebrating more this weekend.
22… This past year of my life has been revolutionary. I have changed so much. I cannot believe the things God did as I look back. I am a better worshiper wife friend sister daughter co-worker musician I can say my life is radically different. Now the goal is to let God do that every year. To have Him constantly change me and erase my flesh is hard. It is not easy to have growing pains. I got to know people this year that I can’t believe I ever lived without.
This year I had moments with God that stopped me. I felt His Spirit pierce my soul and touch my heart. I cried tears of remorse and joy. I had moments of communion with Him that stole the breath from my lungs and the sin from my grasp. I love to hear the sound of His voice and live for the next time I hear it. I love Ryan a thousand times more than I did. I have become more wise and yet more foolish in the eyes of men.
If you are reading this you are probably someone who has affected my life this year and I want to thank you. Thank you for bearing with my weakness. Thank you for praying for me, and for loving me. I cannot walk through this life without your support. I thank God for you.
For a brief plot synopsis I will just say that this is a story about a man, Benjamin Button, who lives his life in reverse. He was born an old man and he grows younger. The film is about his life and who he loves and encounters along the way.
This film was a dialogue and character driven story. The narration and dialogue were so natural because of great writing and fantastic acting. This is a unique film in that it deals with so many themes on so many levels. It obviously touches on life and death and love, but it goes deeper into themes like, loyalty, obligation, parenting, fulfillment in life, responsibility, honesty, and on and on. I teared up about five or six times and all for different reasons. This might sound like the movie was a jumbled mess, but it was beautifully woven together and flowed perfectly. It is impressive that one film can speak about so many things.
Sometimes the story would skip a few years and it went along with the screen shots that often faded in and out of scenes and together with the next scene.
The music was good but muted. It was there but it was not a defining feature. The simple notes moving back and forth between each other gave the impression of time passing and movement which fit perfectly with the themes of the movie.
The acting was pretty monumental. It is arguably Brad Pitt’s best work, but I have not decided whether that is my argument or not yet. Tilda Swinton and Cate Blanchett were wonderful as well. I think it’s safe to say this film is in for winning it’s fair share of awards in the next couple months.
Sometime this past week Ryan and I had a discussion about how He is future oriented and I am past oriented. We will literally be having a conversation about something important about our future and I will change the subject to something like “Remember when that happened…” or “Remember when we did this…” I guess you could say we compliment each other well that way. It’s a balance between the two really; life is. If left to my own devices I would sit on my couch and remember the funny things that happened that week and drown myself in pictures and home movies from the last five years. We all need a little of both…. the nostalgia and the pressing onward.
The reach of my arm cannot extend past my sight line. I grasp for the elusive goal of seeing myself and what I will be. I think of my future and realize that it’s all selfish and wasteful to plan things in relation to my present state. I have failed. I am failing now as I try to convince my hand still ever grasping that it is being useful.
Oh that I would wake. Those moments of clarity and spiritual sanity are so few. The cloud in which my head resides is made of this earth and its riches and all the sorrows that will ultimately befall me should I lean continually on myself and my plans. “Be careful self,” I say, “Be wise.” But, all I need is to be poured out. My flesh needs to sustain fatal blows continually to the head. There is nothing I need more than Him and none of me.
Oh God that I would break Be in my heart, Rest my soul That Your strength would be all I need That Your grace would carry me
Life is flying by at warp speed. Last night I attended Stephanie Freistat’s wedding…. crazy. She was so beautiful and so cute.
I am learning to appreciate the moments because they quickly change. The vast majority of people in my life will only be there for a season; to learn from them, to love them, to laugh with them, to be frustrated with them, and then they’re gone.
These past few days for me have been all about realizing that I do not have it all together when I rely on myself; which up until recently has been …. all the time. I pretend all the time. I pretend so much that, well, I believe it myself. I can’t rely on my own righteousness (which in reality doesn’t exist). I can’t rely on the people around me. I used to think they would make me happy.
When I woke up today, the Bible that had been previously closed upon going to bed, was wide open on my bedside table. After the last month, I am no longer surprised by things like this. Naturally, I say to myself, “self…. you should probably read the page to which your Bible opened.” Sayings like the word of God is alive and active take on new meaning…
Chapter 25 reads: (Job’s friend Bildad speaking)
Dominion and fear belong to Him; He makes peace in His high places. Is there any number to His armies? Upon whom does His light not rise? How then can man be righteous before God? Or how can he be pure who is born of a woman? If even the moon does not shine, And the stars are not pure in His sight, How much less man, who is a maggot, And a son of man, who is a worm?
(I think of Nic Segraves lying in the hospital at this moment and when he played the part of one of Job’s friends last year in J.B. I do not find this to be a coincidence.)
Job speaks at the end of Chapter 26:
Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways, And how small a whisper we hear of Him! But the thunder of His power who can understand?
Of course it is also thundering and storming outside as I read this.
His whisper. His power. His love. My faults. My unrighteousness. It all washes over me like a flood.
So life, I feel, will change soon. I’m not exactly sure how or when. For the first time I’m not afraid. I actually do not fear walking into what is next. Granted, I am sad. I have gotten teary thinking about how this is probably the last year my life will look like it does now. I love my life so much and I know I will end up loving it more later, it’s just the in between that kills me.
I know this sounds vague, but I really don’t know what’s next. It’s like Ryan and I are looking at all the choices as multiple doors wondering which one to walk through.
It has never been a question for me will God provide, or does He want what is best for me. It is more like do I have enough strength to bear down and trust Him completely.
I am realizing that the necessity of community in the life of a Christian is not only for accountability and support, but a reminder that we are not meant to think singularly. I fall into a mode during most of my conscious time when I am so self consumed where I dwell on my needs, my desires, my problems, and my own lusts. I spend time with the dear ones in my life; the ones that care about me, the ones that know exactly what I’m thinking, the ones that will never love me any less. I am convicted. I change because of their unconscious and conscious pulling at me toward the truth and reality.
There is nothing like the rich laughter of precious friends and close family. It’s not about keeping each other spiritually in line, it is about loving each other back into the places God would have us stay.
I’ve been filled with mental musings about how to balance being someones friend and loving them. I’m not referring to loving my friends, because that is simple. I am called to love and yet some people want to be my friend, but that seems to not be working out so well. They try and spend time and energy and, believe me, there is no lack of trying from me, however there is a connector missing somewhere. It matters not who it is. It has happened before and it will happen again.
I cannot be friends with everyone because, frankly, I don’t like some of them. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know, you tell me that.
I just know that there will never be enough of me to go around even for what I do with my own time.
This does sound arrogant. It may sound like well, I think everyone wants to be my friend. But, I think and I realize that I have done this to people I perceive to be special. I try muster some artificial friendship because it makes me feel better about myself.
It will always be fascinating to me; watching the social angst of people who cannot be real with themselves. The lies we believe extend into the large cracks in our being that we don’t notice and are deeper than we can imagine. My insecurities are so numerous. People are so largely deficient at meeting the needs of the heart, yet we run to them as if nothing else will fill; like nothing else could know us down to our core.