I’m terrified of being a composer.
I said it.
I feel like I’m a pretend artist, like I’ve painted a picture it’s impossible to move into. When I actually sit down and write, however, the notes often flow freer than my thoughts about them.
The anticipation of what others will say, and my own perceived lack of ability paralyze me.
Last March Alan Silvestri, one of the most celebrated film composers, visited us at Berklee and shared with us how he is terrified before every film he scores.
This is the guy who scored Forest Gump, Back to the Future, and Cast Away, and is now working on Captain America.
This both shocked and exhilarated me. None of this is new to me, my fear of my own ability, but since being here in LA for these few weeks, I’ve re-confronted my thoughts about this field I’m venturing into.
It is so fast, and so few make it. We have workshops with successful industry professionals as we go along here, and they are more concentrated, small versions of what often takes place at Berklee. I feel so intimidated by the mountains they place in front of us and say, “You’ll have to climb this or find one of the rare ways around it.”
I continue to get the sense, however, that what I will be a part of is a new thing, and something totally led by God. One amazing thing resulting from this crazy season of my life is I am clinging for life to the promises of God.
Whatever doors he opens I will walk through. They might be small, big, or unexpected, but I shall walk.
If only I can convince my brain to follow this truth and live in it.
